Wednesday, November 25, 2009

: Nov 25, 2009

Is she making progress?

Current mood: hopeful



I understand that you and I are over, but do you really think it necessary to keep me from knowing what is happening with Stella? She is our daughter, that will never change no matter how much you wish that were different. I am not Annette. I am not just going to walk away from her and forget that I ever had her. I am her mother and I have a right to know how she is doing and where she is. I understand that she may not want to talk to me for the fact that her feelings are hurt, honestly I don't understand why you are behaving this way. I have tried to give space and be understanding, but being away from her is breaking my heart. You know that I have no money to be able to be where she is or else I would be. All I'm asking is to know how she's doing, I not asking you to dilvulge any information that concerns you or your personal life, that is no longer my concern. Please all I'm asking from you is let me know that she is ok and doing well.

Thank you,




Stella has been doing great. She's had a very active summer vacation. I would love nothing more then for you to stay in contact with her. It seems to all of us that every time you had a chance to talk with her, it was filled will or ended with complaints and anger. Simply put, we were tired of that.

I had stopped using this e-mail a couple months ago, but have been checking it form time to time to see if you had sent a message. Stella still has her e-mail address too and after a while she stopped checking that as well. There are a few things that you need to fix between you and her. She should explain her feelings better. If you remember, she's the type of girl to avoid confrontations. So feel free to send her an e-mail. I will have her start looking for it. CC me and I will remind her.

Have no fear, she's been enjoying things here. She is healthy, happy and thanks to the (tonsils being removed) having less problems with ear/sinus infections. She is looking forward to 4H next year. She already has several friends and keeps in contact with her old friends too.

Attached is a few pictures: Her first horseback riding lessons and a current picture from one of our trips. (Forgive the black hair) it is temporary and was for her black cat Halloween costume.

You state: "I understand that she may not want to talk to me for the fact that her feelings are hurt, honestly I don't understand why you are behaving this way." First, I would like to say, that I have never thought of you being like Annette. In her case, I was legally required to have no contact. I still have a hard time comparing you to Annette. The years we shared, makes the distinctive difference. As well as the fact, Stella knows who her Mother is: I would not want to have that changed for anything. Your unresolved acts of anger and your outburst has us all on the defensive. I know very well of your vindictive nature.

That is the reason for me behaving this way. You say you would never hurt Stella... I will admit that you would not purposely hurt her. I know how much you love her. But, you have got to see how your behavior has caused her a lot of pain emotionally. So, I do what I do, to protect her and in some way to protect you from making more mistakes or creating a situation were she no longer wants to be near you.

When we visited you in Kentucky, my plans were to stick around until she was ready to go. You saw what happened. At the motel you were quick to getting judgmental. You were more concerned with the absence of a ring then your were of spending time with her. The same air of tension was present during the visit at Bill & Barbara's house. She didn't want to stay there long and told me so. The conversations over the phone after that had made her even more uncomfortable. I admit to receiving a couple missed calls. I would ask her if she would like to call you back; she would say not right now. I do not say this to cause you any pain, but to help you understand. I hope things improve and you two can reconcile, so that you can have a productive and loving relationship with Stella.




Thank you for the pictures, I am truly grateful. I am very sorry if you felt that while you all were here in KY that I felt it more important to ask about a ring, I asked about it just as I was getting ready to walk out the door, my entire time while in was in the room was devoted to the kids. I know that I am responsible for a lot that went wrong, and I know that what I did hurt everyone in a way that is unforgivable. Ken so much has changed as far as who I am now goes, and in so many different ways. I only want to be sure that Stella and I will have a realtionship. I admit that my anger gets in the way of having healthy realtionships and that is something that I am constantly working on and with the help of the Lord I am doing pretty well. I am having to learn how to be me and how to be happy with that. I truly wish for you everything good and you all are in my prayers always. I guess in a way I will always love you, but I understand that in loving you I lost who I was and I didn't know how to live when you were'nt around. As I stated so much has changed. I will be e-mailing Stella and I know that I am going to have accept whatever she has to say, I NEVER wanted to hurt her in any way. I guess if I have to thank you for anything it would be for her. I wish you the best and I am very, very happy to hear that she is doing so well. Once again thank you for responding and thank you for the pictures.

God Bless,


My Dearest Stella,

How are you? I miss you so much! I heard from your dad that you are learning to ride horses, I think that is wonderful and I know you must really be enjoying it! I saw the pictures of you on the horse, Stella you are just so beautiful! Stella I know that I have so much to apologize to you for. I NEVER EVER meant to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way. I know that I have a lot to answer for. Mommy is trying really hard to change, not only for myself but for you as well. Stella you are so important to me and you always will be. There is a lot that has changed with me and I hope that some day you will be able to forgive me for everything I have done to hurt you. You have so much to offer the world, and I know that you will do great in everything you do. All I want for you is to be happy and live a full and happy life. I pray each and every day for you! Keeping the Lord close to my heart has helped me to heal and be a better person, and I hope that you will always know how much I love you. Please always keep God close to you. I know that when you were here visiting me you were very uncomfortable being around me and I am very sorry for that. I never want you to feel that way with me! I will wait for you no matter how long it takes for you to forgive and want to talk to me again. I know that you are very close to your dad and you should be he is a wonderful father to you and he has always been. When you are ready to talk to me again I will be here. If you call and I don't answer it's because I am at work or church, otherwise I will answer when you call. Just always remember that I love you!

Love Always,

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Traveling West; Part 2

By May 8th, we arrived in the area where we wanted to live. We were planning on going to Washington State, but those plans were quickly changing. Keri wanted desperately to be near family and close to her childhood memories. That would be Roseburg, Oregon. Were my Niece, Heather, lives with her husband. Sounded real good except for unemployment rate being out-of-control, 5th highest in the nation! I didn’t really care where I lived. I just wanted to be near family and be where my kids wanted to be.

That way maybe they will not move so far away later, when they grow up. I know, I guess I’m dreaming. The kids and I agreed to take our time and travel the area and find where they enjoyed most. We traveled to the Portland area and have seen Mount Hood. We’ve traveled the coastline of Oregon and see the beauty of the Umpqua Valley. We have made it to the Portland Zoo, Wildlife Safari and Game Park. We even traveled through Seattle, Washington and thanks to Keri we travelled and seen just about every Twilight film shoot. I can tell you that Forks, Washington looks better on film. But it has been an exhilarated ride. We have done everything from camping to riding fairies.

In the end, most of May was spent traveling and seeing family, friends, and some wonderful sights. Keri and Stella have done and seen more this summer, then they ever have in their past. We finally settled down, though. We own our own home; a two bedroom mobile home in the country. My kids and animals are all doing great. My kids have already made new friends here. Both of my girls are now out taking care of their horses (leased). They help to clean stalls in exchange for riding/horse care lessons. The horses have been very therapeutic for Keri’s temperament. Thanks to out new friends; her first horse to learn with is a 17 hand, Percheron by the name of Katie. The horses started out to be Stella’s dream. She has always loved horses. Then I became Keri’s dream, even though she won’t admit it. She is coming back with a lot more confidence in herself and her life.

In the next 2 years, it has been agreed, when I move into our new V.A. home, it will be large enough to keep horses. And that mobile home, when it’s done will be Keri’s.

Here’s to hoping.


Monday, July 20, 2009

The Journey West

Well it has been a long hard road, but I’ve managed to keep things together. I made a lot hard decisions and conquered a few battles and now we are here at our new home. It was costing too much to stay in New York. I should have left sooner. The Army was giving my final pay in pieces and at unpredictable times. I wanted to make the move and be able to get a stable income going for my kids.

We left New York at the end of April and made our way home on the west coast. It was a beautiful trip and vacation at the same time. I wanted the trip to happen quickly, but did not want to pass up the opportunity to let my kids see and learn a few things. Stella hadn’t been on a trip like this before. We started our first day with Niagara Falls, New York. We got there late, but were still able to enjoy the sights.

Then it was on to Pennsylvania, Ohio, and then Kentucky. (Sturgis, Kentucky to be exact) My plan was to get into Sturgis with enough time to see Linda and we made it by dinner time. In fact, we ate at Pizza Hut. Not feeling right about dropping in on Linda, and with Keri feeling nervous about meeting Linda and her house, we made our way back to Morganville, Kentucky. There we were able to rent a motel and rest for a few minutes. I called Linda after a bit and made arrangements for her to come to the Motel for a visit with Stella. Keri was still nervous, but not as bad. Stella was a little nervous and excited at the same time.

Linda arrived within about 30 minutes with Aunt Barbara and Uncle Bill. It was very tense at first. Bill and Barbara made it at little more tolerable and help to keep the conversations on topics that were safe. In other words, that would not create arguments or bring the stress level up. Linda was not so good, and liked to make snide comments about everything. We concluded to visit and made arrangement to travel out to Bill and Barbara’s house on our way out, for a final visit. Linda was more worried about a ring that wasn’t on my finger anymore then she was about anything else.

The next day, I had to convince Keri that going by their house wound be that bad and that it was important for Stella. We were running a little late, Linda called to make sure that I was still coming by. So maybe we woke up later then I thought. When we arrived out there, Bill and Barbara were happy to see everyone. Those two are really good people, I wish I had better news for them. Even though Bill and Barbara tried to keep things on a cheerful note, no one was going to make it past Linda’s attitude. Maybe she doesn’t even know what she did. But she had asked to take Stella for a short walk, and I said it would be okay, so long as she stayed in sight. Linda even took Storm for a short walk. I do not know what was said or what happened, but we hadn’t been there more then 30 minute’s total. Stella just came up to me and said “Daddy can we go now?” I asked her if she was sure and she just clung onto my arm and said “yes”. At my request, Stella went into the house to collect Keri. She had been talking with Barbara this whole time. We loaded up and left. When I asked Stella what was wrong and why she was so anxious to leave, she just told me that she didn’t feel comfortable there. I just don’t know, but hey I tried.

We headed out of Kentucky. Keri did not want to attempt to try and find her birth Mom while we were there. Not after what happened in Sturgis. She said she wasn’t quite ready for that.

So it was onwards to Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, and Colorado. We brief stop at Washington County, Illinois and enjoyed a break at the park there. Can you imagine two girls, two dogs, one cat, me and all our stuff in one Dodge Caravan? Thank the makers for the luggage rack on top. While I am on the road like this, I am one of those people that can drive forever. But, I need to remember the kids and animals need a break. Rest areas were frequently used in route, but a good walk and fresh air was occasionally needed. I kept his in mind for the next big jump. I drove from Kentucky to Colorado. If you have ever been through Kansas, you know how boring it is for kids. We made Saint Louis during rush hour and the kids got to see the sights from the freeway. I wasn’t going even try and get closer!! By the time we hit Kansas, Stella was asleep. That was good, because then I could drive longer. When she finally woke up and claimed she needed to use a restroom, we were in Colorado.

We still joke with her, about how she slept through the whole state. And I even stopped to get my sister Dorothy a post card from her home state. Just don’t ask her were Toto or Tin Man is. LOL.

Anyhow, Colorado has really changed, I couldn’t find were Denver ended and the old home towns began. My Mom is from Fort Lupton area and has or had family all over the area. We checked into a motel room for the night and arranged to visit some of my Aunts and Uncles. A lot changes after 9 years and so does families. My Uncle Chuck had passed away along with my Uncle Jesse. My Aunt Fannie was in a home and Aunt Janet (Chuck’s wife) was the only one still where I expected her. Everyone else was gone. This was a lot to take in. I vowed never to loose contact with my family again. I dropped by Longmont Cemetery and paid my respects to my Grandparents. After our visit with Janet we headed for the Rocky Mountains and Utah.

The Rocky Mountains are getting easier to get across and on the 3rd of May there was plenty of snow. Just what my kids didn’t want to see. “No more snow!” On the other side of the Rockys we ran into a big hail storm that was exciting for me, but shocked my kids and dogs and the cat. It was getting really late when I stopped for a motel in Utah. I wanted the girls to have a good rest in order to see the canyons. We even stopped by a museum just for a change of pace. The Prehistoric Museum of Utah is great if you ever have a chance to go see it. Lots of bones, too bad we had to leave the dogs outside.

From there we saw the not so nice Salt Lake City. We didn’t even stop to take pictures. The kids agreed that if we needed to remember then we could always grab a salt shaker and download pictures from the internet. Nevada wasn’t much better. The girls were happy I bought them a DS system and plenty of games. They didn’t get excited until Reno and the lights at night. We stayed in Carson City which is where I use to live when I was 16 and 17. The next morning I showed them where I went to High School, worked, lived and then I took them up to Virginia City and toured the area. Keri hated the trip because in her book, curvy roads and heights don’t mix. Just like my Mom. But they were able to see a little bit of what the old west looked like. The trip down was a lot worse for Keri. Stella didn’t mind though. She walked right out to observation post with me as brave as ever. From here you could see all of Washoe Valley, Reno, Sparks, and the mountains leading to Lake Tahoe. Yeah, I guess we were really high; explains why Keri wanted to stay in the van. Once we made it down, Keri got out and kissed the ground.

Reno was our next stop and our next night stay. We visited though the night and more the following morning with my sister Dorothy, her son Alton, his wife Fay, their son Richard and Fay’s sister. Was that confusing for you too? Well anyhow, Keri and Stella spent time with their cousin Alton, wife and child. Keri was so happy to see Alton again that she wanted us to get an apartment and stop our travels. Fortunately, she’s well grounded and realized we had to move on; but not without a trip to the local mall and Build a Bear.

We travel up through those mountains I spoke of earlier and found Lake Tahoe, right where I left it in 1990. It hadn’t changed much either. Side note: If the Indians keep opening Casinos in all the states like the have in California, then there won’t be a Nevada left. If you think the economy is bad where you live, check out the state that has vested all its resources to gambling. We traveled through California and into Oregon. Of course we took in the sights all the way through.

I will continue this story in the next couple days.
If you have a myspace page please feel free to contact me.
All my pictures are there for the protection of my girls.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009