Finding my way,

Another day has come and gone. This one started early. I had to wake the girls up early for them to go to the High School football game. Stella and Keri were really looking forward to this. I used the time to catch up on some of the house work and to reset myself. They were only gone for a couple hours, but it was time well used. Once they returned, both of them helped out where they could and cleaned up their rooms.

You know, I don’t expect my kid’s bedrooms to be perfect, but I try to hold them to a standard that they can achieve. Simply making sure their rooms are free of hazards, trash and dirty laundry. To me their rooms should be the safest and most comfortable place in the house. A place to that they can escape to and relax. They both have the means to watch TV and movies in their rooms. Books, games and Keri has her computer. It gives them the freedom of choice. A little spoiled, maybe; but growing up, I wished that I had a safe place. I never use their room as a form of punishment for that reason.

After they were done with their chores, Stella went to play with her friends outside. Keri had her boyfriend over to watch a movie. Jamie has a good head on his shoulder and treats Keri with a lot of respect; and me too for that matter. But I’ve finally got use to having these “Estrogen Headaches”. For me, it’s feels more then a little unusual to have another male around the house. Even more unusual is that I can get along with him. Due to the abuse I grew up with, I’ve found it difficult to deal with other males. Not impossible mind you. I have a few good male friends. But I would agree with most of the ladies, men can be such….

After I was finished with the dishes and the laundry, I found time to chat with a friend that had returned from her trip. This lightened my spirit a little, but I had to get ready for my visit with Linda. I made sure that Stella was having fun at Karla’s house. Karla was having a slumber party for her two girls. She had twelve girls all around the ages of 7-10, not including Stella. Wow! I’m glad she had help from one of the other Moms. I wished her luck and left quickly.

Jamie had to go home, so Keri joined me for my visit with Linda. Keri confessed to me that she didn’t want to be left alone and because she was left to fend for herself a lot over the past 4 months. Tonight, I realized how much of a rift was created between Linda and Keri. Keri told me I should get divorced and I should be able to get a chance to get out doing the things that I like doing. This should have given me a clue about how well the visit was going to go.

During the visit, Keri and Linda had a difficult time dealing with each other. Keri would start a conversation just to have Linda point out her flaws. Keri would give back as much as she received. The visit was tense to say the least. I guess I needed to see how they would react with each other before Linda returned home. Linda and I played cards and Keri wound up just talking with just me. At the end of the visit, Linda made a statement that had Keri ready to get out of there and made my very concerned. “If I’m not out of this place by Tuesday, then there’s going to be hell to pay.” I told her I didn’t have control of that. She tells me that she’s still in there because of me and I have more control then that.

I called the Social Worker on duty, after I returned home; she verified that these comments were typical for the disorder she has. She also asked me to call on Monday and have Linda’s Social Worker document the conversation.

Karla called to let me know that Stella was sick and had a fever. When I went to pick her up she was pale and very hot. I brought her home, gave her some medication, and had her lay down on the sofa with a cold washcloth on her forehead. Within an hour she was feeling tired but much better. Right now she’s asleep on the sofa with Storm lying next to her on the floor. Keri has already given me her goodnight hug and kiss. I feel loved and secure at the moment. I just can’t shake the feeling that one of my tough decisions has already been made, but I’m too afraid to admit it.



- Good Night