Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Peace and Understanding

Well as I said yesterday, it’s been peaceful. And right now, peaceful means, the absence of active motivation or harm. Linda’s mood has been everything from resigned to complete hopelessness. The only times I have seen her smile is when I have been actively involved and doing something to drag it out of her. I know she is going through a lot right now, but I have been finding myself having my mood swayed by hers. Her biggest complains revolve around, not wanting to hurt anyone else as she is going through this and still having the desire of ending it all. She has been diagnosed with two disorders; Clinical Depression and Dysthymia. Both of these are affecting her in ways that is hard to understand, hard to cope with and worse, hard to predict. In addition to all of this, she is going through withdrawals from the medication she was aver using. The Busebar she is taking now for anti-anxiety will take a minimum of two weeks to reach the levels she needs to control the spells.

Today, I was able to get her out. It was a short road trip; to get her mind off of things. I was able to get her involved into helping with taking pictures of the autumn trees. She didn’t have the drive of energy, but she made the effort. It’s the best that I can ask for. She has had the uncontrollable shakes all day. She state that they are so bad that she want to go into a rage. I keep telling her that she is stronger then that. I continue to encourage her into staying busy and to stay involved with something to keep her mind off of it. Problem is, it’s now affecting her sleep. That tells me there are harder days yet to come. She has literally stepped out of making decisions for the children. She doesn’t trust herself to making the right choices. She states that she has lost faith in God. I reminder her that God and I haven’t lost faith in her. It feels like a psychological tug of war at times.

She states that she no longer feels that I’m the reason for her anger or pain and that really there is no source or focus for what she is feeling. While I am hoping that is true, I can’t help but wonder, without a focus for her, will she start looking to hurt herself more. I will have to keep watch.

We called back to Oregon to check on Lynn (my Mother-in-law), to find out that she has finally been transferred from the hospital to a care home. She had been in that hospital since mid August. She had a gestural intestinal bypass surgery done two years ago that was performed incorrectly. It took the two years for the damage to show. When they tried to correct it, they tried several things that all failed. Lynn, who to me, has become like a second mother. I hadn’t realized my own feeling about this lady, until we were loosing her. I was still in Iraq at this time, unable to help. Linda had to fly back home to help, not just her mother, but also her step-father that has been dependant on Lynn for medical needs. After doing all that she could, and feeling responsible for potentially missing Keri’s 16th birthday, she returned home with her mother still in the hospital. Several calls came in throughout September; some reports telling us of Lynn’s improvements and just as many reports of her needing to be resuscitated. Suffice to say, Her Mother’s near death experiences has a lot to do with Linda’s stress and the depression’s decline. The move means that the prayers have been answered and she is healthier now or that she at least out of danger. I was able to talk with Lynn and she is sounding so much better.

Here are a few quotes that have helped me:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”- Ecclesiastes 4

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."- Arabian Proverb

“A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.”
- Wizard of Oz

I have felt the love and the friendship in as many days as I have felt the pain. I appreciate the help and the kindness that everyone has shown. It proves to me that God is with me and that God work through each and every one of us.

Until tomorrow, Safe journey to a dear friend! Thank you all.



Melissa said...

It is great that Linda has you, but it is also sad that her illness hurts you. But you see to be very strong and your awareness that you have God on your side makes you even stronger. I enjoyed reading the quotes..nice pictures too.

Tabby said...

I found your blog from Melissa's list of blogs she reads. I am praying for you and your whole family, I hope Linda can get past this soon. I will be looking forward to reading your entries.